I wake up on a bed I’ve never seen before. I look up at the white sky. Wait, the white sky? I look down at my blanket and it has a very weird, but distinct smell. Is it cheese? I break a part of it off and taste it. My blanket is made out of cheese. I feel around the bed and it feels slightly pliable, almost like the bed is made out of cheese too. I take off the blanket, tearing huge holes in it in the process.
I try to lean up but there’s something pulling between my shoulders when I do. With some force I hear a slight sucking and popping noise. My dorsal fin (I have a dorsal fin?) was stuck in the cheese bed. This is odd, what the heck is going on.
I get up and open the cheese drawer, at least my clothes aren’t cheese too. I put them on and take a few deep breaths. This is gonna be an experience.
I was looking around and I saw a field of mozzarella with cheese sticks for grass. There’s a molten cheese river with a cheese bridge crossing it, with a cheese town in the distance. There’s a cheese path at my feet leading to the cheese bridge. I call out to see if anyone is there, there isn’t anyone there.
I walk down the cheese path smelling the light scent of the cheese river in the distance. Every time I take a step I leave a footprint in the cheese path, it slowly reforms back into place after I stand on it.
When I got closer to the cheese town, there was a person made out of cheese crying while sitting on a cheese bench. I look down at him and ask him why he’s crying. He looks up at me and says “Our town is being threatened by the gravy monster! Please, please help us! Let me take you to elder Fromage to get more information!” He then got up, grabbed my hand gently and led me to the center of the cheese town, where the elder lived.
When we got to the elder’s house, he looked up at me. “So, Bleu here tells me you’re willing to help us fight the scourge of our town, the gravy monster. Can you help us? We’ve lost so many people, we barely have enough left to sustain ourselves.”
I’m still processing everything that is going on though. This was a cheese house, with everything in it made out of various kinds of cheese. There’s somehow a fire roaring in the cheese fireplace. What the actual hell? The cheese elder looks up at me pleadingly saying “Hello? You there?”
I shake my head and reply “Yes, I can help you defeat the gravy monster.”
I mean, let’s be honest, it’s not like there’s anything better to do at the moment.
The elder is elated. “Hooray! We might just finally have a chance to sustain our way of life!”
“But, how should I help you defeat the gravy monster?”
“All monsters have a weakness. Here, take this key. It leads to a shed just outside my house, there you will find the tools you need to defeat the gravy monster. Hurry! He always attacks during the mid-day and it’s almost time!”
I’m still kind of dumbstruck by this whole experience, so I take the cheese key, thank the elder and head out to his shed with Bleu leading me.
We arrive at the cheese shed and I put the cheese key into the cheese lock. The cheese lock opens and lets us into the cheese shed. There are two things in it: a rather large bowl (too large for it to be inside the cheese shed somehow) and something I can’t quite identify. Bleu is taken aback when he sees it. I ask him what he sees and he replies: “It’s the sacred fries! They’re only pulled out during emergencies!”
“Where is the gravy monster going to attack from again?”
“Down the brown path, take the stuff and come with me!”
So I put the stuff in my shoulder bag of holding and follow Bleu across the cheese town to the cheese path that has been stained brown with gravy. I have an idea.
“Bleu, do you have a shovel?”
“Oh, yeah! Let me go get it, I’ll be right back!”
He comes back with his shovel and I start digging a hole in the cheese to put the bowl in. I fill the bowl about halfway with the sacred fries. The gravy monster can be heard in the distance.
“GRAAAAAAVY MONSTER TIME!~”
I’m kind of awestruck again. It looks like the black goo monster from Star Trek, but it’s brown. It’s a monster made out of gravy. I quickly hide behind a cheese bush and grab some curds from it.
The monster slowly ambles up the cheese path, partially melting it as it steals forward towards my trap.
It sees a weird part of the cheese path. It gets confused. “What is this? I’ve never seen the path bend down like this before”.
I poke Bleu from inside the cheese bush. “Now’s our chance. Stand a few feet on the other side of the bowl. He’ll try to chase after you and get trapped.”
Bleu looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my eyes. “What?”
“No, seriously, watch.”
Bleu jumps out of the cheese bush and stands ahead of the monster. The monster laughs. “I knew I’d find you, cheeseling! You’ll pair nicely with my wine at home. Now be a good cheeseling and come back with me to my home!”
“No! You’ll have to grab me yourself!”
The gravy monster lets out a roar and attempts to run towards Bleu and grab him. This would have worked if the monster didn’t fall into the bowl and on top of the sacred fries.
The gravy monster lets out a cry in pain. He didn’t expect the fries to be this absorbent. The fries are absorbing the flavor of the gravy monster.
I jump out of the bush and throw a mix of cheese curds and fries on top of the monster, with each handful the gravy monster gets quieter and quieter. Then everything got really still and quiet. The sound of the cheese river was audible again.
Bleu, looking like he just soiled his cheese pants, was elated. “You did it!~ You saved the town!~ You’re a hero!~”
I took a minute to re-evaluate what had happened. I just saved a town by making poutine? What? Just, what?
I grabbed another bowl out of my bag and served myself some poutine, it was some of the best poutine I’ve ever had.
“Hey, this is pretty good Bleu, have some!”
Bleu took a bite and his cheese eyes went wide open. Without another word, he ran towards the cheese town to tell the people of the feast waiting for them. He came back with the remainder of the town and we had a feast of poutine, declaring the day “Poutine Day” for the rest of time.
After some time celebrating, I woke up in my bed. I was really confused and having trouble processing what had just happened to me. I was also craving poutine.
Based on this twitter thread.
This article was posted on 2019 M10 1. Facts and circumstances may have changed since publication. Please contact me before jumping to conclusions if something seems wrong or unclear.
Tags: #cheese #what